Jersey Shore Family Vacation Season-Finale Recap: The Snitchuation

It feels like Bailiwick of jersey Shore only just returned, only information technology'due south already time to say good-farewell. Nosotros'll always have Miami. And Seaside. And Florence. And Miami, that other time they were in Miami. And I suppose we will presently also have Family Vacation season two, which has already been shooting in Vegas. Okay, so we'll live. Still distressing, though!

We are in for a whole lot of recycled clips as the gang reminiscences over a final family dinner about their favorite holiday moments — Nicole fondly recalls spiraling with Ron (that's got to be my favorite moment, too), Pauly is nevertheless proud of inviting Angelina as a prank (okay, a "prank"), and Mike remains thrilled he got permission to come up at all, let alone get engaged in the company of his old pals. But the filler comes to precipitous end when it's Ron'south turn to speak.

"I'm blessed that Sam didn't come, because now you guys got to come across who I really am," he says. "You got to come across how fun I am, and happy, and like, what I really am. Not a person that'south always angry and fighting and screaming and trying to crusade chaos and drama. And sad. Like, I'thou happy, I'm fun. This is who I really am."

Oof. Honestly, if you're a character actor looking for a searing new monologue to audience with, you could do a lot worse than this ane. The full general consensus is that the guido doth protest too much. And if Ron is human gasoline, then Jenni has a match. She knows exactly what she's doing when she asks, "Mike, why do yous say Ron needs rehab?"

Ronnie is no longer feeling happy, and fun, and happy. "I didn't arrive my life," he says of his partying, different now-sober Mike, who permit information technology "destroy" his. In response, Mike angrily reveals that Ronnie called him two weeks before Family Holiday shooting began and said he needed rehab, that he was going to check himself in later they wrapped this flavour.

My feelings at this time are best exemplified by Pauly, who is at present hiding nether the table. Afterward briefly debating whether he said he needed "help" or "rehab," Ronnie argues that Mike violated Jersey Shore'southward item prepare of Marquess of Queensberry Rules for fighting in front of cameras: Everything he's roasted Mike for is public knowledge, merely Mike aired his private dirty laundry, and not for GTL purposes. "I don't bring your clay in the house," he fumes, before storming out.

Vinny calls this maneuver "Jedi-level pot stirring" on Jenni's role. There are hardly any situations in which I am non by default on Squad Jenni, the Jersey Shore bandage member with the nearly BDE (and by no minor margin), but this is one of them. Jenni pleads her defence force: The boys have been fighting all vacation, and she wants to see them to exorcise their shared demons, fifty-fifty if that process requires some expert-old-fashioned Linda Blair projectile vomiting. Anyway, whatever, I've already forgiven her. She walks outside to bank check on Ron, and the first words out of his oral fissure are a genuinely hilarious "Too much?" He'll probably sleep in the smush room, Ron tells Jenni, with the endearing indignity of a eleven-year-old who'south gotten into an argument with his friend at a sleepover but who is well enlightened that it's already by 10 p.m., and therefore too late to call his parents to come pick him up.

And yet, in what is possibly the fastest and healthiest resolution of a fight in Jersey Shore history, Ron and the man he only chosen the "Snitchuation" (archetype) are hugging it out within a affair of minutes. "I was fucking wrong. I'm fucking concerned about you," Mike says. "I fucking love you, bro, Ron says. "Y'all went depression and I went lower and I'm deplorable for that." After, Jenni and Mike have their own little air-immigration Yalta. "I want to make sure I've nonetheless got my sister," he tells her. We're out hither flexing our emotional muscles in 2018.

Equally Deena and Jenni become swaying-in-place-and-shouting-yaaas-at-no-credible-stimuli wasted at drag brunch, Pauly's amanuensis calls to reveal that he just so happens to have landed him a DJ gig at E11EVEN, the gang's favorite Miami strip order with a proper noun that sounds like Jean-Ralphio's equally ill-blighted follow-upwards to Amusement 720. Pauly predicts it'll be "the littest dark we've had yet." (If "littest" is the superlative form of "lit," does that make "litter" the comparative form?)

Vinny, in a shirt that reads "Vinny's Italian Sausage," worries over what to wear as if he doesn't already take on the almost perfect garment imaginable. Nicole resurrects the Snooki poof for old times' sake, giving herself at to the lowest degree some other three inches of height in doing then. On this, the last dark out, cabs aren't here. Instead, an E11EVEN party bus — with the oddly squat proportions of an airport shuttle, which, not for nothing, is an extremely good business thought that you lot tin take for free — has been dispatched to option them up.

Pauly'due south DJ ready is a resounding success until Jenni, amid the sea of boobs and butts that is E11EVEN, sees something that inspires her to make the facial expression equivalent of the Jaws theme. Thar she blows (if yous are unhappy that I'k mixing my shark and whale metaphors, why don't you notice your way over to a Deadliest Catch recap): It's Vanessa the (So-Called) Stalker, notorious for her pursuit of Pauly on the original Bailiwick of jersey Shore, standing within murdering altitude of our all-likewise-stab-able DJ and wearing a shirt that bears his likeness.

There'due south fifty-fifty a shot of an MTV cameraman looking shocked, as if Vanessa'south presence hither in Miami, on tonight, in this club, is pure coincidence. (If you lot believe it is, I've got a Ferris wheel on Casino Pier to sell you.) Our new old friend'due south total proper name is Vanessa Sky Ellis and she professes to have taken 10,000 selfies with celebrities. Vanessa's cameo hither — and certainly her past appearances on the show — does not experience, well, un-exploitative, but at to the lowest degree this time it ends on something similar a high note. "Is she a stalker — or a super supporter?" Pauly asks in a talking head. "Vanessa is the real MVP." They fist pump together, and so hug.

On their very last morning in Miami, the roomies don an extremely on-brand, all-the-cousins-are-going-to-Disneyland compatible of matching "FAMILY IS EVERYTHING" T-shirts emblazoned with drawing versions of themselves. They share an emotional group hug and shout, in unison: "one, ii, 3, Jersey Shore OGs!"

Of course, there's much to exist done back home, and everyone needs to give their fist-pumping arms a nice long rest. Jenni, Nicole, and Pauly will return to their respective babies! Ron will take his baby! Deena volition try to make a baby! Mike will, fingers crossed, not go to prison! Vinny will go along to be keto, I guess!

But at that place's no uncertainty they'll genuinely miss 1 another, until adjacent time. "We airtight one book five years ago," Jenni says. "Only now we're opening a whole new book of, like, old-donkey guidos on a wild-ass hazard. Stay tuned, motherfuckers, considering we're non done."

We end the season on a creepy shot of the Sammequin, tilting her head to await straight into the camera. May she firmly grasp the revenge she seeks with her silicone and steel hands, and may that revenge be righteous.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Finale Recap: The Snitchuation